He is holy. I am not.

Most days, I'm stuck in the in-between, somewhere between my head and my heart, hanging in the balance.

I try to cling to the things I KNOW to be true of Him- that He is love. He is constant. He has a plan. But I'm finding it nearly impossible to align those Truths with my current reality- how can those things possibly coexist with the chaos, uncertainty, and betrayal I feel?

He is holy. I am not. 

I go through some days enraged that it feels like He's not here, that He doesn't care about this mess He's left me in. I stomp my feet, shake my fist at Him. I rant about the injustice of it all, daring Him to challenge me in my anger and my sadness.

I throw my temper tantrum until I am exhausted and empty. Finally, I wipe my eyes, ashamed of my outburst, ashamed of the thoughts that I dared to verbalize. I beg Him not to hold it against me. I plead for Him to see me as the distraught child that I am. I beg Him to comfort me as the Father I know He is.

He is holy. I am not. 

Every once in awhile, I eagerly seek Him. I open my Bible, flip to the passages that always brought me comfort. Familiar handwriting fills the margins, the thoughts and wisdom of a mentor who owned the  Bible before me. But it's not long before the words on the pages all blur together, hot tears spilling from my eyes and down my cheeks. His presence is suffocating. I snap the book shut, willing the tears to stop. I can't confront His presence without also confronting the condition of my heart. Instead, I do everything I can to run- to push Him away, to withdraw from His touch, to turn my back on Him.

He is holy. I am not. 

I don't want to accept His kind of love- His love is dangerous. His love allows pain if it means shaping His child. His love calls into question all of the "what ifs" and the "should have beens" that creep into my mind day after day. His love refuses to let me hide. I want love on my terms- the kind that feels good. The kind that is comfortable. The kind that brings only good things and laughter and warm fuzzy feelings. But that's not how His love works.

He loves wholly, because He is holy. And I am not.