It was there this morning when I opened my closet to pull out a sweater, and her clothing still filled all of the shelves that we used to share.
It was there on Saturday when I spent 4 hours helping put yarn braids and fresh beads in the hair of this sassy little girl, and realized that Paige never got to see her with even the "beans" in her hair.
Grief was there on Dad's birthday when he opened his new grandpa sweater- the one that would've eventually gotten stolen and taken to Boone, just like all of his others, because Paige liked to curl up in them when it was cold outside. But now she's not here to "borrow" them.
It's there every time I drive past Rich Fork, wondering if I will ever be able to walk into the sanctuary on a Sunday morning ever again without sobbing.
Grief is in the eyes of all the girls Paige mentored, the ones who saw her as an older sister.
It's there every time I see her red car in the driveway, and my heart skips a beat for a split second.
It's there every time I spend time with this sweet boy, and I'm blindsided with the thought that he will never remember her.
And she won't either...
It's there every time I get on Facebook and click over to her page, knowing that people are still writing and posting pictures, proving I'm not the only one struggling to move forward.
It's in the texts exchanged between friends late at night and in the earliest hours of the morning because neither of us can fall asleep.
Grief was there when I set the table for 6, and then quickly pulled the extra plate from the table, hoping no one else noticed. It was there when I realized "all of us" wasn't really "all of us" anymore.
Grief is in my faded Chucks, the old letters I saved, the movies we watched, the laughs we shared, and our songs on the radio.
And grief is here, even now, as I sit in the room we always shared, begging for sleep to take me.
But I already know.. grief will be there, too.
And on my daughters dry erase board, something different every week, exposing her emptiness. Grief is deep and relentless. But God's grace is unmeasurable.
ReplyDeleteI lost my 22 year old brother in August, so I identify so much with this post. I called my youngest brother Noah the other day and cringed...there are just those constant little reminders that bring the waves of grief...hearing little snippets of songs he'd sing, or trying to write a list of my siblings names without his name where it belonged in between my sisters' on an invite, seeing the books on my book shelf that he'd pull off the shelf every time he was here, watching my kids play sword fight and thinking how much fun he'll have next time he's home and then the punch in the gut when I realize he won't be back...
ReplyDeleteThis grieving is hard. But God is present, and He promises to walk with us through it so we won't be destroyed by it. Hugs to you from another grieving sister.
Its hard to go through life with big bumps,but thankfully god is there to guide us through it.I felt like my world ended when Paige passed away, but God is guiding me through it.Although i am still struggling through the fact that Paige is gone i know that she is partying with Jesus. so if she's happy i'm happy,and i know she's happy.
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