Exactly a week ago from right now, I was in Kenya. I was standing on a balcony, in the home of a family I had never even met. I was on the phone with my dad. He told me, "I have to tell you something terrible. Paige died this morning."
My world stopped.
Fast forward a week. I'm back in the U.S. The funeral is over. The extended family members have all left to go back to wherever they came from... And I'm left with the broken pieces.
When I wrote my last blog post, I was sitting in an airport terminal counting the cost. I questioned whether or not obedience to His call was worth what...was worth who... I was leaving behind. And today, I am angry.
My journal- July 25, 2012: "I moved forward with obedience trusting that You were going to protect my heart. I left everything for You. She was going to do great things, but You took her away. You took her before I could even say goodbye. You said You loved me. You said You were working for my good. Where is the good in this? Where is the compassion? I'm 8,000 miles away. My family needs me, and I'm not there. How am I supposed to trust You? How could You possibly put the pieces of my heart back together, when You're the one who tore it apart in the first place? If this is some kind of test, I don't care if I fail. This isn't what I signed up for."
Today, I still feel a lot of those same things.
I'm still angry.
I still don't understand why I had to be so far away.
I'm still struggling to understand why a loving God would take away The Kid under these circumstances.
But today, I also have a choice to make..
Am I going to continue to believe that I serve a sovereign God, or am I going to deny it when the storm hits?
Am I going to believe that He is here, or am I going to believe that He left me to walk this alone?
Am I going to believe that there was a purpose, though unseen, in all of this, or am I going to declare that He's a God who only seeks to punish and destroy?
Am I going to seek Him in the weeks to come, or am I going to turn my back?
Will I choose obedience again, regardless of the cost, or will I choose my will because it feels safer?
Today, it's hard to choose. I am blinded by anger, and numb from exhaustion. I want to wake up tomorrow and find out that all of this was just a really bad dream. I want to see my friends, and not hear that they're worried about me. I don't want to establish a new normal, because I don't want to live life without The Kid. I'm not sure I even know how.
Father, hold my heart. Remind me that Christ is still SO worth it.
Praying for you Grace!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you Grace. He is SO worth it, even in times of tragedy and loss. Keep your chin up lovely lady, and allow Him to hold you tight.
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers going up for you and your family.
ReplyDeletePraying for you Grace and your family.
ReplyDeleteI love you and your honesty. No one, not even God, blames you for being angry. He will draw you close and hold on to you. He will never let you go.
ReplyDeleteGrace, you do not know me but I am acquainted with the situation of your loss through my friend Melissa Trogdon. I have heard nothing but wonderful things about your sister. We never know why tragedy strikes others and ourselves, but we have to have faith that it is all in his plan. I read her obituary and was brought to tears by the statement that she ran into the arms of her Savior. She is truly the lucky one. She lived her life serving him and I am sure that it was a joyous occasion when she looked upon his face, and he told her that he was pleased with how she worshipped him. We should all follow her example. I am truly sorry for you loss!
ReplyDeleteTami Lapeyrouse
Grace-there are no words I could say that would make this any easier to go through or take away the anger. This is not at all the same, but I remember a time after my second miscarriage and I was so angry with God. Why would he take away 2 babies from me and allow other women to have children that didn't deserve them. I couldn't sing on Sunday's during worship, wouldn't read my Bible and really had a lot of anger because of it. The one thing that brought me back to God was a cross stitch pattern I saw in a store one day. It said "Pray without ceasing" and had a baby praying with adult hands holding the baby hands. It touched me and I bought the pattern and worked on it every day, at the same time doing exactly what it said...praying without ceasing. A little over 9 months later, Jacob was born. God used a simple cross stitch pattern to help me work through my anger. It wasn't easy and there were still days when I just wanted to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs in anger. But he never left me and although I didn't understand at the time why that had to happen, I've been able to help a couple people along the way that experienced the loss of their babies. I know it's going to be a long hard road ahead without Paige, she was one of a kind. I know it brings a smile to mine & Brent's faces when we sit in that old gold chair we bought from Jessica because of you & Paige being such great sales gals!
ReplyDeletePlease know we will be praying for you and your family as you continue on this journey.
Vonda
While we have never met, I have prayed for you and your family throughout the past week. Your situation (having just gone to Kenya) touched me so deeply. My 5 oldest children have all traveled the world . . . living overseas for anywhere from 6 months to 3 years. They have missed a lot of "family things"; yet they have all gone with a direct calling from the Lord. I guess when I heard of your situation, I could just so picture what it would have been like for one of my own daughters while living overseas, to have gotten such a phone call. (Actually, while my 21 year old son was serving in Iraq, the Red Cross had to track him down to tell him that his 3 year old brother was in a coma and not expected to live, and that he had to fly home immediately. Thankfully, our youngest son did not die; but oh the pain our older son went through . . . and the terrifying trip criss-crossing the globe to get home.)
ReplyDeleteGrace, I am also so very struck/touched by this post of yours. While I have NOT walked in your shoes (and will not pretend to know the pain you are walking through) . . . I walked through a VERY difficult crisis 18 months ago. I was angry. I felt abandoned. I didn't understand why the Lord would allow such a devastating crisis to happen to me. I so wanted to "wake up" to find out it was just a bad dream. I did not, in any way, want to even try to figure out how to live in the "new normal". I just wanted the "old normal" back.
I undertand pain. I understand nearly crippling grief. I, too, had to answer the questions that you are asking . . .
I chose to trust God. I chose to believe that He is still sovereign. I chose to walk in obedience (even when I so desperately wanted to run away and never be found).
Keep crying out to Him. Don't be afraid of the questions nor the tears. Don't be embarrassed by your anger.
I will continue to keep you in my prayers. I hope you'll keep in touch . . . and keep writing (even when it hurts).
Hugs from WA.
Laurel
mama of 12 (ages 10, 10, 12, 13, 15, 19, 21, 23, 23, 25, 26, 28)
I just want to say, I think you're pretty awesome. That's all.
ReplyDelete: )
I was friends with your sister in grade school.
ReplyDeleteYour sister helped so many through her whole life with her faith and now her story.
I want to say thank you to you and your family because I am one of those that was forever changed by her life.
You said in a post your life wont go back to normal like most will,
neither will mine but in a different way
and I'd give anything to help yours go back to normal.
I want to be more like God in every way.
I pray for your family and know that it doesnt take away the pain.
I know that God has a plan and he will see ya'll through this.
But I believe I owed it to you to let you know this.
You are stong and doing amazing things with your life.
Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteGrace, my name is Ann. I am a friend of Alanna. I sure don't have all the answers, however I know God makes no mistakes. That is hard to grasp right now I know..There is one thing you and I both know and that is God sees the big picture. You have the blessed assurance that one day you will reunite with your sister and nothing can ever seperate you again. As you long for that day, I pray God will send you a peace that nothing or know one else can ever bring. The anger is a natural part of the healing process so don't let satan get under your skin with that. Praying for your and your family. In Christ love,
ReplyDeleteAnn McReynolds
Grace,
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry to hear about your loss. I know that God is sovereign and that he cares for you. I pray His comfort and peace be with you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. I won't even pretend to understand, but please Know that I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove you Grace...you all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteGrace,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you. But I'm praying for you!
Luke 23:43
Derek