Counting the cost... Again.

Exactly a week ago from right now, I was in Kenya. I was standing on a balcony, in the home of a family I had never even met. I was on the phone with my dad. He told me, "I have to tell you something terrible. Paige died this morning."


My world stopped.


Fast forward a week. I'm back in the U.S. The funeral is over. The extended family members have all left to go back to wherever they came from... And I'm left with the broken pieces.

When I wrote my last blog post, I was sitting in an airport terminal counting the cost. I questioned whether or not obedience to His call was worth what...was worth who... I was leaving behind. And today, I am angry.


My journal- July 25, 2012: "I moved forward with obedience trusting that You were going to protect my heart. I left everything for You. She was going to do great things, but You took her away. You took her before I could even say goodbye. You said You loved me. You said You were working for my good. Where is the good in this? Where is the compassion? I'm 8,000 miles away. My family needs me, and I'm not there. How am I supposed to trust You? How could You possibly put the pieces of my heart back together, when You're the one who tore it apart in the first place? If this is some kind of test, I don't care if I fail. This isn't what I signed up for."



Today, I still feel a lot of those same things.

I'm still angry.

I still don't understand why I had to be so far away.

I'm still struggling to understand why a loving God would take away The Kid under these circumstances.


But today, I also have a choice to make..

Am I going to continue to believe that I serve a sovereign God, or am I going to deny it when the storm hits?

Am I going to believe that He is here, or am I going to believe that He left me to walk this alone?

Am I going to believe that there was a purpose, though unseen, in all of this, or am I going to declare that He's a God who only seeks to punish and destroy?

Am I going to seek Him in the weeks to come, or am I going to turn my back?

Will I choose obedience again, regardless of the cost, or will I choose my will because it feels safer?


Today, it's hard to choose. I am blinded by anger, and numb from exhaustion. I want to wake up tomorrow and find out that all of this was just a really bad dream. I want to see my friends, and not hear that they're worried about me. I don't want to establish a new normal, because I don't want to live life without The Kid. I'm not sure I even know how.

Father, hold my heart. Remind me that Christ is still SO worth it. 

Counting the Cost

I'm sitting in my terminal.  In a matter of minutes, I will be boarding a plane headed toward the other side of the world.

I thought I was okay with this. 


But today? Today... this is hard. Today I'm wondering if I really made the right decision. And that thought hit me. The one I was positive would never cross my mind...

What if I just didn't get on the plane?

Because today, this is real. And today, I find myself counting the cost... Is it really worth it?

My best friends in the entire world are finishing up school/ starting grad school. They just moved into their new apartment, and I helped them put together furniture, and paint, and make it feel like home for them. But it just made me feel sad. And kind of jealous. What will they be doing over the next 2 years? What jokes will they form that I won't be a part of? Will they have get togethers over holidays- the same ones we have celebrated all together for the last 10 years? Are they going to find some new friend... someone that takes my place? Will we even be in touch 2 years from now? What if they're different- what if I'm different- when I come back to the States to visit? Will they ever visit me? Will they even care to hear about my stories and about my adventures? What if something happens to one of them while I'm away? How will I ever find friends that could ever even compare to how incredible they are?  

And what about my family? Saying goodbye today nearly killed me. I've never spent a holiday away from them. What milestones am I going to miss? Is Seth going to get some kind of promotion, and I won't be able to celebrate with him? Will Anne find someone else to watch movies and laugh at night with? And what about the Kid? Who's going to watch out for her and and argue with her about things that aren't even important? Who's going to make the pies at Thanksgiving, or come up with crazy clues and activities for an Easter egg hunt? Who's going to cook Pinterest recipes with Dad, and supply the witty banter at the dinner table? Who is going to practice fun craft techniques with Ma? I'm not even good at it, but at least I make her laugh. Will Knucklehead attach his little self to someone else? Will Christmas just be sad for everyone with the family not all together? Will any of them ever make it to Kenya- get to experience what made me love it in the first place? Will my heart ever feel whole again without them nearby to live and love with?

And what about friends and mentors who have become my family? What if foster children leave, and I can't go over and love on their family, and cry with them.. or what if new foster children come in- become a part of their family- and I never really know them? What about when other families are moving into new homes, setting up new lives, and moving on.. and I don't get to be a part of it anymore? Who's going to take my place at their dining room table, or laughing late into the night, or giggling with their little ones? Babies are going to grow up- and they're not going to know me. Kids will find new mentors- they'll find new young adults to spend time and go on fun outings with. I don't think there are people in Kenya who could ever come close to filling the roles they've played in my life.

What if living cross-culturally proves to be took much for me? What if it's all just completely overwhelming and I can't handle it? What if it's just so frustrating, so exhausting, that I hate it there- or worse- hate the people? What if I just want to be with people like "me?" What if I feel completely out of place.. unwelcome.. like I don't belong? Will Kenya ever really feel like home? What if they misjudge my intentions? What if I mess everything up? Will I just want to come back to the U.S?

“We have left everything to follow you!”

 “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for Me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.

Mark 10:28-30

I am clinging to His Truth. He is bigger than my fears. He is holding the pieces of my broken heart. My God called me to Kenya, and He's not going to desert me now. 

Christ is so worth it. 

reality is setting in

15 days.

How is it even possible that I leave in 15 days?

Kenya has felt a lifetime away for so long. Now, all of a sudden, 15 days is all I have left in NC. It's scary. It's exciting. It's stressful, and overwhelming, and yet such a source of joy! Through it all, I'm praying that my eyes remain focused on the Lord, even in this time of huge transition.


I just got home from 2 weeks of training at the NICS headquarters in Mississippi. To say that I am still sorting through all the information I received is an understatement.. I'll never process it all, I'm sure! I got to meet the other incoming teachers who are heading to WNS, and also about 100 other believers who are being sent out all over the world. Many of them are first year teachers, as well. Good to know I'm not alone!

And so, I now gladly introduce to you.. the WNS staff (at least those of us who were stateside and in Mississippi).

Lori, me, Kennie, Lizzy, Gari, Emmy, Katie, Drew, Michelle and Hannah

As we prepare to head to Kenya, I ask that you would remember us in your prayers. Pray for the family and friends we are leaving behind. Pray for the new friendships that are being formed among us. Pray for our travels- we all meet up in London and fly to Nairobi together. Pray that we would strive for unity in all we do at West Nairobi, and pray that we would be patient and understanding of one another during the next several months as we figure out what it means to live, work and serve in Kenya.


I wish I could adequately express my thanks to all of you who have prayed and supported me throughout this journey! You are such a huge part of my story, and His plan!