Dear Kid...

Dear Kid,
I'm not moving to Kenya. All my stuff is still there, though. It's weird to sleep in our room without you. I don't ever touch your stuff. You never liked when I organized for you.

Dear Kid,
I got a tattoo. Every time I look at my wrist, I think of you. Sometimes, I have to wear long sleeves to cover it up. It makes me sad some days to think that I got it because you're gone. I would rather have you than a tattoo.

Dear Kid,
Abigail learned how to crawl. She's getting into everything these days. And Olivia got yarn braids for the first time! She loves them. And she looks SO big.

Dear Kid,
I've been spending a lot of time with the Bowers family. I really love them. I understand now why you loved them so much. They miss you like crazy, you know. We talk about you a lot. Sonia tells me you're having a party with Jesus.

Dear Kid,
I got a new job. Here. I wish it was a teaching job...it's not. But it will pay the bills. And I'm looking at applying for a house to rent. It's got a picket fence. I wish you could come peek in the windows with me.

Dear Kid,
I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I love you as often as I should have. I really do love you, ya know.

Dear Kid,
I'm all moved into my new house. It's really cute. Nanne came and spent the night last week. I wish you could've come, too.

Dear Kid,
I put this above my front door. It reminds me of all the times I was unsure of myself, and you always said, "Your name is Grace... just be amazing."

Dear Kid,
I stayed up all night looking at pictures you took. Pictures of people's kids. Pictures from App. Pictures of you and Mary. Pictures of you and me. I never liked taking pictures. Now I wish I had let you take a million more of us together. It's hard to think that we won't have anymore.

Dear Kid,
The new kids I watch are really funny. Sometimes, I pick up my phone to text you the funny things they say. But then I remember. And it takes my breath away all over again.

Dear Kid,
It's been 6 months. I think I've cried more in the last several weeks than I did even in the first weeks after everything happened. It's weird for me. You always joked I didn't have a heart. Well, I do. And it's shattered into a million tiny pieces.

Dear Kid,
I look at this picture of us everyday. It's not great of either of us, but I like it because we look more alike than normal. I close my eyes, willing myself to remember every single detail of that car ride together that I can. I'm so, so sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I wasn't home to help with your funeral. I'm sorry I couldn't write anything for your celebration of life. I'm just sorry about everything.

Dear Kid,
It's almost your birthday. You're supposed to be 21. We're having an unbirthday party. We're all going to get presents.. but really we want your presence. We miss you.