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I hate nighttime. 

I hate being the only person still awake. 

I hate sleeping in the room we shared. 

I'm tired of counting time by Tuesdays.

I'm tired of dreading the 24th of every month.

I'm tired of time passing so slowly, yet simultaneously so quickly, that it takes my breath away.

I wish I was in Kenya.

I wish I was living the life I was supposed to have.

I wish I was teaching.

I feel like all of my friendships have changed.

I feel like I can't talk to the people I've always talked to.

I feel like I'm not allowed to be honest. 

I don't think I'll ever find "normal."

I don't think life will ever work without you. 

I don't think I know how to live life without you.

Lots of people have happy things happening in their lives.

Lots of people have reasons to praise God right now.

Lots of people are moving on. Forgetting.

I don't want to celebrate Christmas.

I don't want to have a birthday.

I don't want one more holiday without you here. 

I cry when our songs come on in the car.

I cry when I'm by myself for too long.

I cry when I try to go to Church.

I'm scared I'll never love Jesus the way I used to.

I'm scared I'll walk away from what I believed.

I'm scared that it won't even bother me when that happens. 

But more than anything..

I hate that you're gone.

I'm tired of missing you.

I wish you would come home. 

I feel like I'm drowning.

I don't think people even realize it. 

Lots of people are moving forward.

I don't want to move forward.

I cry when I just think about it. 

I'm scared that I'll forget, too. 

Please, just come home. 

...Please? 

The things they say

I'm sorry I haven't been around. I know you think I didn't hear you, but it's just that I didn't know how to respond. I didn't have the words to answer.. 

...the text messages:

"Today, I'm making a commitment to pray for your heart..."

I owe you more than I could ever possibly repay in this lifetime. 

"Been thinking about you, hope you're alright."

I'm not sure I know what 'alright' feels like anymore. 

"I think it's time we hang out again sometime soon."

It's been weeks.. maybe even a couple months.. since I've really seen you. You were just doing your job- I know that. You don't have to check in on me. 

"I don't want to be Debbie Downer..."

Well, you are. And I need something to be excited about right now. 

"Wah! I miss you."

I miss you, too. Greensboro isn't even that far, but sometimes it still feels like a million miles away. I'll try to stop being such a crummy friend. 

...the kids in my life who notice everything:

"Where Paige go?"

I wish I could've just told you she's at school. Instead, I said nothing because you're still so little and I can't bear the thought of your sassy little self not remembering her. 

"Grace! You really hurt my feelings! You can't leave my house without hugging me! What if you don't ever come back?"

I will never ever leave you again without hugging you tight. I'm so sorry that you already know what it feels like to miss someone so much, you're terrified of losing a chance to hold onto those you love. 

"You haven't been at my house in a long time! When are you coming over?"

Honestly, it's probably going to be awhile before I hang out for more than a few minutes. Being with your family is really hard right now- maybe because I didn't even know you before my world fell apart. I just don't know that my heart can take more than a half an hour with you without falling to pieces. 

"Gracie, how come you're smiling, but I can still see sad in your eyes?"

You're only 6, and already way more perceptive than many adults. My eyes have sad in them because every time I see you, I wish Paige was here to take you out for some special time with her that you never got. 

...the acquaintances I see around Thomasville:

"Why aren't you in Kenya?"

Because God thought it would be really fun to pull the rug out from under my feet and leave me with nothing "planned" to stand on.

"I'm sorry Paige died. I didn't really know her, but..."

Why are you talking to me? You didn't know her, and I don't know you. I don't want your condolences. 

"No, my friend told me how she died. Maybe you didn't hear... I mean, you were in Africa, right?"

She was MY sister. I'm 135% sure I know better than you.

"Why haven't you been at church? We've missed you being around!"

Rich Fork is sort of like torture right now, so I avoid it when possible... and I'm only one person. No one notices if I'm there or not. 

"I'm so sorry! Can I give you a hug?"

No. 

If I'm short tempered... I'm sorry. 

If I'm mean... I'm sorry.

If I don't respond... I'm sorry.

If I avoid you... I'm sorry. 

I don't know how to handle people right now.