Lessons From the Trenches

It's been 9 months. 9 months of both laughter and tears, good days and bad. It's been 9 months of learning some hard lessons.. because that's another thing that no one warns you about- grief is one crazy kind of learning experience.

Some things I've learned, wrestled, and struggled with the last 9 months...


1. Sometimes, you will have the right to be angry. But you will never have the right to be cruel.

When I get sad, I get angry. I don't control my tongue, and I lash out at people I love. I've said some horrible, hurtful things to people over the last 9 months. So learn it now- Don't let your anger harden your heart. Don't take it out on the people who love you most.

2. Grief feels like a very private thing, but it's impossible to avoid living it publicly.

This might not be true for everyone, but it's true for me. I feel like everywhere I go, people know who I am now. It's uncomfortable and frustrating. At times, it's made me bitter and unapproachable, because I just assume the worst of people. So I've had to learn to just answer people's questions- respectfully. Not everyone is just trying to pry into your life because they're nosy. Some people genuinely care.

3. It's okay not to be okay.

On bad days, I am constantly tempted to plaster a smile on my face and make everyone believe that everything is fine. I want people to believe I am strong enough to handle anything all on my own. I have to remind myself- Being sad won't make people hate you. Crying doesn't mean that you're weak.

4. Sometimes, you do just have to hold it together.

...like when you're driving 70mph down the interstate with a couple of someone else's children in the backseat. That's not the time to fall apart. Sometimes you have to practice some self-control and emotional regulation.

5. God is sovereign.

Even in the hard places.
Even when it doesn't feel like it.
Even when you don't want to believe it because He let this happen.
... and He'll still be waiting for you no matter how many times you try to run from His embrace.

I have to chant this to myself every single day. It's still a struggle to believe it every morning.

6. Broken worship is still worship.

It might be the most honest worship of all. Offer up the little that you think you have to give.

7. There will be times you don't have the words to pray.

 In those moments, just be still and trust that your High Priest is interceding on your behalf. But don't use it as an excuse to let your prayer life die completely.

8. Find a handful of people you can be transparent with.

Be honest. Talk to them when you're hurting. Don't push them away on the bad days... and there will be bad days.

9. Every good day is a victory. Celebrate it. 

Sometimes, life will be a day-to-day, uphill battle. Sometimes, you'll take entire weeks in stride. I have to fight to choose joy each day. There are a few bad days that blindside me and knock me off my feet. But most bad days are days I simply neglected to choose joy.


10. Grief will change you.

As much as my control freak self wishes this wasn't true, you can't lose someone who played a huge role in your life and then walk away unscathed. But how you let your grief change you in the long run- whether negatively or positively- in completely up to you.

And me? I want to walk away from this knowing and loving Christ even more deeply than I did before.

In the end, I know He's worth it.

Hindsight

                                                                                   

That's from July 21st.

That night... that's when we had our last fight.

It was late. I was packing. We both felt the tension, but we both refused to speak of it at the time. She was trying to help, but getting in the way.

I just wanted to be done... get my life packed away into those 4 crates... figure it out... lock it away so I wouldn't have to think about the coming Monday... the day I would stand in the airport and say goodbye to her for a year.

I don't remember anymore what finally made us crack. She screamed at me.. said I was heartless. I screamed back.. she was too emotional and needed to get over it- she was making things harder.

I made her cry.

She stormed out of the room, down the stairs, and slept in the living room that night. That's when she sent me those messages. The ones I read, but pretended to never see.

The ones I never responded to.


This week, those messages have consumed my thoughts. I can't shake it. I haven't been able to think of anything else. I still can't believe I didn't respond. Why the hell didn't I respond? What kind of sister does that?

I would give anything to go back to that night.. to go downstairs and talk to her.. to tell her I was sorry. I would give anything to go back and respond to her messages.

I never told her I would miss her. 
I never told her that I was dreading the goodbyes.
SHE depended on ME? That's so backwards.

Hindsight. If I had known then, what I know now...

I would have hugged her tight that night.
I would have made her sleep in our room.
I would have let her help me pack.
I would have told her I loved her.
I would have told her that she's irreplaceable.


"I know I'm not leaving you much to miss..."

Are you kidding me, Kid?
There's not a person in the world who can fill the hole you left in my life.

...and I'm sorry I didn't tell you that then.