A month ago, I believed that once the new year came, I started my new job, moved into my new house, and I established a consistent schedule, that I would feel better... That I would finally be okay. Instead, the structure and routine only makes everything inside of me feel even more chaotic and scattered.
Most days, I just want an escape from the chaos inside my own head. Thoughts come and go, shifting and changing.. never ending voices that confuse me and slowly tear me apart and reduce me to a sobbing, blubbering mess.. I can't remember anymore which ones were mine to begin with. I don't know which ones to believe.
She died because God needed her to welcome the kids from Sandy Hook into heaven... She died because it would mean other people would hear about Christ... She died because she had a special job in heaven just waiting for her to complete it... She died because this world is broken and sinful... She died because she must have had some unknown medical problem... There are all kind of theories, but you may never know why she died... She died because God is cruel... She died because God is trying to test you...
The last hours you spent with her, she was crying. You hurt her so deeply when you left. And for what? You boarded a plane, she died, and now you're right back where you started.. but without her. She spent those hours crying for nothing.. because of you.
Maybe you were never meant to move to Kenya at all. The Godly council? They probably just told you what you wanted to hear. The confirmation of Scripture? If you're only looking for one answer, just about everything could be interpreted as a confirmation. You must have been wrong about the whole thing. You must have disobeyed. God must have taken her to force you to turn around. You must have confused a coincidence for a "calling."
Just let go, and let God... God is punishing you... God is sovereign... God has a plan, even if you don't understand it... God is just waiting for you to return to Him... You've failed to trust Him, so God doesn't want you... God can handle your anger... If you were really His, this wouldn't be such a struggle... If God really planned it this way, do you really want to claim Him as your own?
You're so weak. Just move on, already... You're allowed to be the one who falls apart sometimes... You shouldn't still be so unstable after 6 months... People don't understand... People can't understand if you don't tell them... People have already forgotten about her, and especially about you... Just smile- they don't have to know you're not okay today...
I don't know who to listen to.
